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Love Metamorphosis

A woman's transformation

Bounce Back.

Palm Trees are pretty awesome. Did you know they can bounce back? It is easy to look at the palm trees and think how frail they are. Especially the ones here in California they are so tall and skinny. But I have noticed in some of the “weather” we have been having here in Santa Barbara even when the wind is so strong they don’t break.

In fact in a hurricane they can be bent down almost to the ground for as much as 5 hours and the tree can bounce back, not only to it’s original shape but with a STRONGER root system.

Are you in a life storm right now? Lord knows I am. I have never been someone who quits. I have bounced back many of times. This is no different. You have to go through storms some times to strengthen your root system and develop tenacity for life.  Peoples storms can look very different, from divorce, death, financial hardship,  to health problems, what ever it is …….you can bounce back.

The majority of it is is our mindset and a ferocious commitment to not give up. Feel it, stand up, shake it off and move on.

Sometimes these storms happen to push us exactly towards where we are meant to go. Don’t give up.  Don’t make excuses. Don’t blame.

Take the lesson, plant your roots, and bounce back.

If you need support navigating a life storm right now I am here to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me at lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com . When you are in the middle of it it helps to have someone who understands. Divorce, heartbreak and life setbacks can be devastating. Let’s start to shift your mindset so you can bounce back stronger than before.

You are loved,

xo

Amanda

Joy in the Dark.

 

Those days when you are in the pain it’s hard to find the joy. Your eyes flutter open and you hope it was all a bad dream. But nope, there is is. The pain. It stings as it moves up from the center of your body towards your head. It stops and is heavy on your chest, pinches at your nose, and finally bubbles hot from your eyes.

I am not here to say you should stuff it away. No, in fact I believe you should feel it fully.

Heartbreak is some of the deepest pain I have ever known. You feel lost and wonder if you should even bother getting dressed. The loss of love is almost excruciating. This loss can come in the form of  a lost love, a miscarriage, divorce, death and much more.

Having experienced a fair number of these dark days in my life I have found a recipe for moving through it as quickly and effectively as possible with success.

1. Feel your feelings fully.

Sometimes we tend to try to stuff it away because the fear of the pain is actually worse than the pain itself. Stop. Ask your soul/body what it really feels. Close your eyes and feel it. All of it. Let it come out of your body anyway it wants too. Moaning, crying, sighing, screaming, let it out.

Do this periodically though the day or at times you feel you may be numbing yourself. Seek to really feel it instead of covering it up with: food, sex, alcohol, people, work, shopping, drugs, over exercising, or any other vice you may be tempted to numb with.

2. Letter writing/burning

It helps to write it out physically with a pen. Write a letter to that ex, that friend, that unborn baby, that parent, that lossed loved one. Write out everything you want to say and more. Write why you love them, hate them, miss them, are angry, sad, lonely, or afraid.  Then burn it. There is something satisfying about watching it burn up and letting it go.  Do this as many times as it takes to feel some release.

3. Swamping

This is a technique described by the author affectionally known as “Mama Gina”

Get a playlist of songs that bring up the emotion for you. Wear black, put ash on your face, and just do it. Be alone and let it out. Throw yourself on the floor and cry, Scream at the top of your lungs, smash a pillow against a wall, or just sob. But physically express it in your body. We can learn a lot from toddlers here. They haven’t been imposed on what is socially acceptable when it comes to their feelings. They just freakin feel. They throw themselves in a heap on the floor over a banana that is cut in half wrong. They feel it then they get up and are on their merry way. (ok maybe not quite that simple.)

But I can tell you this 20 minutes later they are not still carrying that sh*t around with them.

4. Dance

There is something so good about getting out of your head. I like to hoola hoop dance, or just turn on a song and dance crazy in my living room. This is even better an amplified if done with a friend or a child. You will find your self smiling ear to ear.

5. Look for whats good.

Write out gratitudes and what is good in your life. Your mind can only have one thought at a time and after you have felt your feelings fully it is good to put a good thought in that brain. I love the app the 5 minute journal and it has helped me focus on gratitude,at the beginning and end of my day regularly.

6. Do something for someone else.

It helps so much to serve and care for others to get our minds off our own problems: buy a homeless person a coffee, or heck  buy the person in line behind you a coffee. Volunteer, visit a sick and shut in, listen to an elderly person talk for a while, bring a friend who needs it flowers. Just do something for someone other than you.

7. Enlist support

Not everyone wants to hear about your problems every day but enlist a few people up for the job and probably a 3rd party such as a therapist or coach that you can talk to if you need help. I have a team of people who are in my life right now I can reach out to for support. So important so I can show up fully with my friends, co-workers, and daughter and not bog them down with my stuff. I am a verbal processor and I have learned through my divorces I can loose friends if I don’t have this support system in place, because I put too much on them. It’s taken me a while but I finally have the support system I need.

Most of all just know this won’t last forever. Sometimes I forget that as a person who is very in the moment. This too shall pass, and the harder you work to actually move through it the faster you will. I am right with you in this love. In fact I’m in the middle of my own dark day and fighting for the joy. But you can believe I am doing all the above and will move through it fully, very very soon.

Love always,

Amanda xo

More than Love.

He told me he loved me last night. Can’t be with me, but he loves me.

How does this even work? How can someone love someone and not want to try?

Not want to give it a chance?

Fear can do that. Fear of what could be. Fear of the future. Fear of pain. Fear of failure. After you have been through divorce it is really hard not to do this. To not let the fear of the past dictate the future. Both of us had been through it. Through the ringer. We met at an inconvenient time.

Fear is the greatest obstacle to love, and although I have done all I can to remove fear from my own life to move towards love unfortunately I can’t love the fear out of someone else.

It is very easy to say “I love you”. What is hard is choosing someone every day and showing up. It is a huge responsibility to say “I love you and I choose you.”

Someone recently said it like this to me:

“Its different for a man to say “I love you AND I want to be your man. I want to spend every minute of my life making you happy. And if I fail at making you happy, I’ll try again. And again. And again. Until the day I die.”

Some men will gladly take this responsibility and some men won’t.

Mr. Unavailable. He may even really feel these things. In this case I know he does. But he can never do anything about them. Because loving someone and actually being able to do the work to show up for someone every day are completely different. Divorce can cause you to feel intense failure and question your ability to be able to do it all again.

I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes you need more than love. You need bravery, commitment, and timing on your side.

It’s over now. I know it. We both said what we needed to. And it’s over.

And now I recover. And Believe there has to be a greater love out there for me. There just has to….

No matter what I have been through in love: I. Will. Not. Give. Up. I won’t let myself close off to love. It is my birthright and I have worked very hard to get to where I am. So now I grieve. I brush myself off. I stand up and I let him go and don’t look back.

A lovely wise woman said it like this to me:

“ You need a man who will love you actively and who will be at your side everyday, no matter what. You need a man who will laugh with you when you’re happy and comfort you when you’re crying. A man who will help you raise your lovely daughter and who will be happy to come home to you every night. You need a man who wants to be in your life always, not a man who can only love you from afar.”

This is true. Until then I keep loving myself and believe. It takes more strength to walk away sometimes than to stay and accept the crumbs that satisfy for the moment. But I deserve and want more than crumbs. I deserve the whole damn cake.

Stop Chasing

I have often chased after hard love. You know the kind that is a struggle.

There is often a strong pull. You feel as if you have known each other forever. Its on, then it’s off. One or both pull away only to return quickly. It’s a whirlwind. What feels like love is actually unhealthy attachment.

There is convincing, there chasing, there is running….there is heartbreak.

This is what has felt normal to me in my old attachment style. I have in the past been attracted to men I had to prove myself to. I believe this stems from my feelings of having to prove myself in my family growing up. My perspective was skewed. I have spent a lot of time doing work with both my parents to ask them questions to understand  them and the love they have for me. It has taken a lot of courage and bravery and consistency on my part and theirs to participate with me but we did it.

I feel my relationship with my parents is better now then ever before in my life. It is so rewarding to see my healing effect not only me but my entire family. All because I chose not to give up. I chose to let my pain push me to growth.

I am done with men I have to chase. The men it feels hard with and there is some pain element to it. This has been my comfort zone in the past and the basis for all my choosing of partners. I chose from my wounded-ness. I was recently reminded of what this feels like. It feels awful.

I am not wounded any more. I think the chances I have of actually attracting a man who is healthy and whole himself are very much more probable because of this work I have done. It will feel safe,he will fully be ready to give to me, and I will be ready for the first time to receive it. I won’t have to fix him, or heal his pain or wounds. Not saying there won’t be things, there are always things. But I am no longer looking to a man to heal the wounded parts of me, or a man I have to help or heal too. That is called Co-dependcene and I lived there for the last 32 years.

If you are divorced or have been through pain in your love life and haven’t started to do any inner work yet, now is the time. Running to another person to pacify your pain simply won’t work. You will only find yourself repeating your patterns and it will be same person different body. It is up to YOU to change your inner world which will then be reflected in your outer world.

No more chasing, no more convincing. You are enough sweet woman. You are worthy and wonderful. The love you crave lives with-in and that can never be taken away from you.

Contact me today for some guidance. lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com

When you are alone at Christmas

 

I went to church by myself tonight.  Christmas eve. Years ago or even months ago I would of felt intense pain to be so alone. In fact I remember the first Christmas after my first marriage had fallen apart. I had to leave in the middle of the service to go cry in the bathroom.

I cried out WHY to God. I was so mad and confused why something I prayed so hard for was over.

Tonight was different.

Yes I am alone this Christmas. I have Audrey my daughter and we are having a great time. But I am alone. Not even any family around me. My friends  and family keep checking in on me to make sure I am ok. And I am. For the first time in my life I am really ok.

I have done so much work to find the source of love from within myself. I have learned I am never alone. God is always there. I am always there.

God showed up today for me.

He was in the nice man at Trader Joes who gave me a card filled with bookmarks his granddaughter drew to say Merry christmas.

He was in my best friend from Boston who called to make sure I was ok.

He was in the Christmas card in the mail from my dad that said I am “Loved, Beautiful and Important”

He was in the old co-worker from the Y who welcomed me to sit beside her family at church when I walked in alone.

He was in the girl who stopped to make sure Audrey and I could get into my car when I was looking for my keys.

He was in my own hand I held tight tonight and told myself I will never leave you or not choose you again.

Sometimes even when we are in relationships we feel  alone.  I have learned no man will fill that void for me. I realized so much of that ache in me when I was alone was a deep wound of not knowing  my worth or the source of love. I have been looking for this love my whole life.

God has healed so much and now I know that I have all the love I could ever need right inside of me.

The part of the service that stood out to me the most was the lyrics to a christmas carol O Holy Night. “His Law is Love and His Gospel is peace”

I am living in the land of the Law of Love. I am so full of it. I know now, and guess what? Others are reflecting it back to me.

You are not truly alone this Christmas. You have yourself. You have God. He will never leave you or forsake you, and you will never leave or forsake yourself either.

Tell yourself that tonight. Remind her, you have her back.

Sometimes you have to hold your own hand and say it is all going to be ok.

Sabotage

Tick, Tick, Tick BOOM.

Sabotage.

I have found myself on my kitchen floor on more than one occasion. Crying. I remember a moment distinctly back in 2011 when my marriage was hitting the fan and crumbling apart. It hit me. All the ways I had sabotaged this relationship, all the things I had done to not love my husband, all of my mistakes came tumbling at me like a pile of rocks in an avalanche.

It was too late. I couldn’t take them back. I couldn’t stop it. The damage had been done. Yes my ex was an alcoholic and had his fair share of damaging behaviors he brought to the marriage. But let me tell you this. Like attracts like. Period.

So often we blame the other party for their inability to love us, for their habits, their addictions, and their lack of love, but we ourselves are harboring the same demons. They are just a mirror being held up showing us all the things we may not be ready to see in ourselves. It is much easier to blame the other person than truly take a look at why we were were attracted to this in the first place.

I have learned that what we think about love, what we are wired for shows up for us. Both my ex-husband and I had major issues in our families and childhoods growing up. We both struggled with addictions, his may of seemed worse than mine only because his behavior was destructive to others as well. Mine was mostly destructive to myself. I used food to numb my pain. I had no idea how to give or receive love, and I was a complete co-depended that needed to feel in control and “parenting” my lover to feel like it was normal.

None of this is normal.

What we hide deep inside shows up for us in relationship. As I began to reflect on each man that had shown up in my life I began to see a pattern. They were deeply unavailable. I thought it was just them but the more I stripped away the layers I saw I myself was unavailable.

In fact I was sabotaging my own relationships because love itself was a foreign concept to me. Being with a man who was unavailable was actually more comfortable. It felt like love to me. What ever love we have experienced growing up is what we are wired for.  Until we heal those wounds we will continue to be attracted to men that embody and fuel those wounds.

Often as women we are responding to the men in our lives from the wounds of our past. It sets that man up never to win and then guess what. He stops. He stops pursuing, stops being in love, and stops seeking to protect us.

This is something we need to heal ourselves from within if we ever want to either attract a healthy man, or have that love reflected back to us in the relationships we are in.

I can help you. It is time to stop blaming the men in our lives and actually do something about it to change it. If you want to take steps to heal these wounds deep with-in contact me at lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com for your first steps to Love Transformation from within.

you are loved,

xo Amanda.

Broken.

Back in 2011 the first exercises I did in my journey towards transformation was this:

I drew an two ovals on separate pieces of paper. Not sure why that shape. That is just what I did. And inside of it I drew out all the painful moments of my past. One was for my childhood, and one was for my journey with men. I physically drew the moments out. As I opened that door to let my wounds seep out so much more came out with it. I realized all this time I was walking around with gaping, oozing, wounds with a bandaid on them. I was wondering why my relationships were failing me and why I couldn’t seem to find happiness.

I wept. I wept hard. It was as if the moments were happening right in that instant. I realized how much pain I had kept pent up inside myself. Seeing them on paper brought some relief. I then prayed and offered them up to God and begged him to heal me.

As my journey continued I realized God wasn’t going to magically wave a wand and heal them. He would take me on a transformative journey to heal my own wounds. He would provide the tools for me, but I would have to do the work. I prayed so badly for Him to heal my marriage and take away this pain. He didn’t. He had something else in mind. The potter and the clay.

Oh how he has broken that old pot down to nothing. But oh how He has lovingly put me back on the wheel and molded me back into something beautiful. All the cracks are slowly being healed and what is left is an instrument for use. Something that can actually HOLD love and pour it back out to others.

I used to just be so broken and full of cracks any love that came in I sucked up and it leaked it out all over. I had no way to retain it, or give to others. Now my pot is full of love from within and I can give without.

I encourage you whatever is showing up for you in your outside world in relationships is just a reflection of your inner world. We tend to blame the other person and loose sight of the fact we are teaching them how to treat us.

I would love to help you navigate how to start this healing process. Contact me to book a session and start your transformational journey to healing.

You are loved,

Amanda xo

Metamorphosis

nounplural metamorphoses:

1. a profound change in form from one stage to the next

2.a complete change of form, habits, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic

3.any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances

Transformation.

I have been on this journey for about 5 years now. Nothing like heartbreak and pain to push you to the point of change.

Divorce.

Such a terrible word.

It is what led me to this path of transformation to begin with. This is my second. My second divorce at age 33. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I think a big D is tattooed on my face. Other times I think it is just my journey and my calling.

I am fascinated with the monarch butterfly. It’s transformation is miraculous. It’s journey is long. It flies over 2,000 miles to a new home.

Migration.
I did my own migration 4 years ago from the East Coast across to the west. California was calling my name. I packed it all up and followed the butterflies here. Sometimes I think it was a huge mistake. Other times I know I would’t be who I am, or have my sweet daughter I have now if I didn’t.

I have decided to write this blog to share with women going through divorce, or women just needing a metamorphosis in love, the tools, and the moments of transformation that have happened in my own life.

This is my calling. I didn’t know where to start so I am just starting here. I trust God. I trust that I am meant to do this….and I will do it. Be vulnerable, share my pain, share my story, in hopes that if it helps just one person it is for a purpose. Being vulnerable is the only way I know to be.

So here it goes…………
Featured post

Divorce has been my teacher

If someone had of told me divorce would be my teacher I would of laughed.

Divorce? No way I am doing that. I know from my parents and experience it is not for me.

Yet here I am. Because truth is, what you resist persists. So could the very thing I determined not to happen to me be happening because I am trying so hard to resist it?

Possibly.

All I know is Divorce has been my teacher.

Heartbreak has been my biggest propeller to growth.

Unless you have been through a divorce it is really hard to wrap your mind around.

In fact I have found unfortunately many judge. It is such a stigma and with it comes shame, pain, and feelings of failure.

I can tell you this if someone is going through a divorce the last thing they need is more shame, pain and feelings of failure. They are punishing themselves enough.

Unfortunately many people just don’t get that. I have had some bad experiences in this department. It is so easy to judge something you have no capacity for understanding. Many people do. Judge. Until you have had something disintegrate right in front of your eyes it is easy to shake your head and say “tsk tsk, such a shame they gave up so fast.”

I am thankful for my failures in relationships.  They have changed me.  Through this love work I am finally becoming the woman I always hoped I would be. I have learned I am the common denominator in my relationships. I have learned what I have needed to heal and let go of to truly have success in love. I am walking that path now and I will have it.

I am learning to love all the parts of myself that only I can see. I have learned no other person will fulfill that, and the more I think they will the more I set them up to fail.

Divorce has been my teacher.

There are moments that I have felt such dispair I didn’t want to continue on. You wake up and realize everything you thought you were building and working towards is just gone. You wonder if you should even get dressed for the day. You cry when you are driving and realize you have aimlessly been sitting at a green light you thought was still red.

Even through the moments of deep darkness and failure there is hope. Hope that you can begin again.

Often people ask me if I have given up on love. If I am bitter and jaded. The answer is no. I can never give up on love. There is too much love inside of me to give to have it wasted. I deserve to have that reflected back to me. I will never let the fear win. It would be easy to contract, to shut down, to let fear take over and live numbly. That just isn’t for me. I will never let fear conquer. I will always let love in.

I have learned to be wiser with my choices of partners and I can smell an emotionally unavailable man a mile away. I have drawn my line in the sand. Only a man who is open himself can meet me there.

If you are going through divorce or heartbreak, let it be your teacher. Let it crack you open so wide so more love can get in.

You have a choice you can let it make you bitter or better. I choose better….How about you?

xo amanda

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