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Love Metamorphosis

A woman's transformation

Sabatoge.

Sabatoge.

I have found myself on my kitchen floor on more than one occasion. Crying. I remember a moment distinctly back in 2011 when my marriage was hitting the fan and crumbling apart. It hit me. All the ways I had sabotaged this relationship, all the things I had done to not love my husband, all of my mistakes came tumbling at me like a pile of rocks in an avalanche.

It was too late. I couldn’t take them back. I couldn’t stop it. The damage had been done. Yes my ex was an alcoholic and had his fair share of damaging behaviors he brought to the marriage. But let me tell you this. Like attracts like. Period.

So often we blame the other party for their inability to love us, for their habits, their addictions, and their lack of love, but we ourselves are harboring the same demons. They are just a mirror being held up showing us all the things we may not be ready to see in ourselves. It is much easier to blame the other person than truly take a look at why we were were attracted to this in the first place.

I have learned that what we think about love, what we are wired for shows up for us. Both my ex-husband and I had major issues in our families and childhoods growing up. We both struggled with addictions, his may of seemed worse than mine only because his behavior was destructive to others as well. Mine was mostly destructive to myself. I used food to numb my pain. I had no idea how to give or receive love, and I was a complete co-depended that needed to feel in control and “parenting” my lover to feel like it was normal.

None of this is normal.

What we hide deep inside shows up for us in relationship. As I began to reflect on each man that had shown up in my life I began to see a pattern. They were deeply unavailable. I thought it was just them but the more I stripped away the layers I saw I myself was unavailable.

In fact I was sabotaging my own relationships because love itself was a foreign concept to me. Being with a man who was unavailable was actually more comfortable. It felt like love to me. What ever love we have experienced growing up is what we are wired for.  Until we heal those wounds we will continue to be attracted to men that embody and fuel those wounds.

Often as women we are responding to the men in our lives from the wounds of our past. It sets that man up never to win and then guess what. He stops. He stops pursuing, stops being in love, and stops seeking to protect us.

This is something we need to heal ourselves from within if we ever want to either attract a healthy man, or have that love reflected back to us in the relationships we are in.

I can help you. It is time to stop blaming the men in our lives and actually do something about it to change it. If you want to take steps to heal these wounds deep with-in contact me at lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com for your first steps to Love Transformation from within.

you are loved,

xo Amanda.

Broken.

Back in 2011 the first exercises I did in my journey towards transformation was this:

I drew an two ovals on separate pieces of paper. Not sure why that shape. That is just what I did. And inside of it I drew out all the painful moments of my past. One was for my childhood, and one was for my journey with men. I physically drew the moments out. As I opened that door to let my wounds seep out so much more came out with it. I realized all this time I was walking around with gaping, oozing, wounds with a bandaid on them. I was wondering why my relationships were failing me and why I couldn’t seem to find happiness.

I wept. I wept hard. It was as if the moments were happening right in that instant. I realized how much pain I had kept pent up inside myself. Seeing them on paper brought some relief. I then prayed and offered them up to God and begged him to heal me.

As my journey continued I realized God wasn’t going to magically wave a wand and heal them. He would take me on a transformative journey to heal my own wounds. He would provide the tools for me, but I would have to do the work. I prayed so badly for Him to heal my marriage and take away this pain. He didn’t. He had something else in mind. The potter and the clay.

Oh how he has broken that old pot down to nothing. But oh how He has lovingly put me back on the wheel and molded me back into something beautiful. All the cracks are slowly being healed and what is left is an instrument for use. Something that can actually HOLD love and pour it back out to others.

I used to just be so broken and full of cracks any love that came in I sucked up and it leaked it out all over. I had no way to retain it, or give to others. Now my pot is full of love from within and I can give without.

I encourage you whatever is showing up for you in your outside world in relationships is just a reflection of your inner world. We tend to blame the other person and loose sight of the fact we are teaching them how to treat us.

I would love to help you navigate how to start this healing process. Contact me to book a session and start your transformational journey to healing.

You are loved,

Amanda xo

Metamorphosis

nounplural metamorphoses:

1. a profound change in form from one stage to the next

2.a complete change of form, habits, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic

3.any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances

Transformation.

I have been on this journey for about 5 years now. Nothing like heartbreak and pain to push you to the point of change.

Divorce.

Such a terrible word.

It is what led me to this path of transformation to begin with. This is my second. My second divorce at age 33. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I think a big D is tattooed on my face. Other times I think it is just my journey and my calling.

I am fascinated with the monarch butterfly. It’s transformation is miraculous. It’s journey is long. It flies over 2,000 miles to a new home.

Migration.
I did my own migration 4 years ago from the East Coast across to the west. California was calling my name. I packed it all up and followed the butterflies here. Sometimes I think it was a huge mistake. Other times I know I would’t be who I am, or have my sweet daughter I have now if I didn’t.

I have decided to write this blog to share with women going through divorce, or women just needing a metamorphosis in love, the tools, and the moments of transformation that have happened in my own life.

This is my calling. I didn’t know where to start so I am just starting here. I trust God. I trust that I am meant to do this….and I will do it. Be vulnerable, share my pain, share my story, in hopes that if it helps just one person it is for a purpose. Being vulnerable is the only way I know to be.

So here it goes…………
Featured post

Divorce has been my teacher

If someone had of told me divorce would be my teacher I would of laughed.

Divorce? No way I am doing that. I know from my parents and experience it is not for me.

Yet here I am. Because truth is, what you resist persists. So could the very thing I determined not to happen to me be happening because I am trying so hard to resist it?

Possibly.

All I know is Divorce has been my teacher.

Heartbreak has been my biggest propeller to growth.

Unless you have been through a divorce it is really hard to wrap your mind around.

In fact I have found unfortunately many judge. It is such a stigma and with it comes shame, pain, and feelings of failure.

I can tell you this if someone is going through a divorce the last thing they need is more shame, pain and feelings of failure. They are punishing themselves enough.

Unfortunately many people just don’t get that. I have had some bad experiences in this department. It is so easy to judge something you have no capacity for understanding. Many people do. Judge. Until you have had something disintegrate right in front of your eyes it is easy to shake your head and say “tsk tsk, such a shame they gave up so fast.”

I am thankful for my failures in relationships.  They have changed me.  Through this love work I am finally becoming the woman I always hoped I would be. I have learned I am the common denominator in my relationships. I have learned what I have needed to heal and let go of to truly have success in love. I am walking that path now and I will have it.

I am learning to love all the parts of myself that only I can see. I have learned no other person will fulfill that, and the more I think they will the more I set them up to fail.

Divorce has been my teacher.

There are moments that I have felt such dispair I didn’t want to continue on. You wake up and realize everything you thought you were building and working towards is just gone. You wonder if you should even get dressed for the day. You cry when you are driving and realize you have aimlessly been sitting at a green light you thought was still red.

Even through the moments of deep darkness and failure there is hope. Hope that you can begin again.

Often people ask me if I have given up on love. If I am bitter and jaded. The answer is no. I can never give up on love. There is too much love inside of me to give to have it wasted. I deserve to have that reflected back to me. I will never let the fear win. It would be easy to contract, to shut down, to let fear take over and live numbly. That just isn’t for me. I will never let fear conquer. I will always let love in.

I have learned to be wiser with my choices of partners and I can smell an emotionally unavailable man a mile away. I have drawn my line in the sand. Only a man who is open himself can meet me there.

If you are going through divorce or heartbreak, let it be your teacher. Let it crack you open so wide so more love can get in.

You have a choice you can let it make you bitter or better. I choose better….How about you?

xo amanda

How to be a friend

Being a friend to someone going through Divorce or any sort of heartbreak can be tough.

What do you say?

How do you help?

It can be tricky. Someone going through a divorce or heartbreak really doesn’t know what they need themselves. They may spend a lot of time complaining about the other person. It is hard to deal with that and as a friend you might get sick of hearing about it.

I will give the top 3 things a person going through divorce DOESN’T need and then the top 3 they do.

What they Don’t need:

  1. Judgement and Criticism: If they are at the point where they have decided to end it no amount of trying to convince them is going to work. They probably have counselors, pastors, and other people involved in the counseling and mediation at this point and what they need from you is to be their friend. I once had a “friend” write me a  hand written letter on how I should repent and change my ways. She had no idea what I was living with at the time with my alcoholic ex. It wasn’t helpful. Remember it is really hard to fully understanding the breakdown of a relationship you are not in. Keep in mind you are only hearing one side. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story.

2. Expectations: For someone navigating divorce everything can be overwhelming. Just going to work, navigating their emotions, taking care of children and the cost keeping the lights on can feel like a difficult uphill battle. They will be a shell of themselves, and probably not very great company. Trust they will return the favor for you when they are through this difficult time and give them grace and understanding if they can’t fully show up for you, or do anything really.

3. Negative Talk:  I read a quote that said this ” If your friend bad mouths the guy you have been married to for 15 years, she won’t feel supported she will feel betrayed . If you hated him so much, what have you been thinking about her all those years.” Obviously they will be talking about the other person themselves at times. Do your best to be supportive and listen with out engaging too much. Also refrain from discussing the situation with other mutual friends.  If you are saying anything you wouldn’t say right in front of the person it is gossip not supportive talk. This includes reporting back to the person things their ex are doing or saying about them. This just does NOT help.

 

What they do need:

  1. Good Friends: The loneliness can be crushing at times. It is so extremely painful. Invite them places. Especially during the holidays. I am grateful for friends who really opened their homes up to me whenever I needed it through my first divorce. They need extra love and to know they are still part of something. Good friendships will keep the person being able to heal and not rush to dating or another relationship for comfort. Help them do that.

2. Practical Help: Like I mentioned above the little things can be so overwhelming. I have had people do simple things for me like take out my trash, offer to watch Audrey while I go to the courthouse, or buy me coffee. I once had a friend ask really what would help my stress, I told her jokingly a massage. She mailed a check from Alabama the next day with the amount so I could do that. I will never forget that.

3. Be their protector: Help her come up with what she will say when people ask. Because let me tell you, do people ask. People come out of the woodworks to ask. It is helpful to have a blanket statement for what you will say to keep it neutral. Help her navigate that. If you have other mutual friends DEFEND her when it is spoken about. Again if it is not something you would say right in front of her, don’t.  Tell them “It’s nice you asked about her. She is holding up. I will tell her you are thinking of her.”

Remind them that this too shall pass. The pain won’t be here forever. Their life won’t always feel like it is ending.  Hold them accountable to not numbing them selves with avoidant behavior like substance abuse or dating too soon. Hug them. Love them, and know this isn’t about them being right or wrong. It happened, and no one is above it ever happening to them. Stay humble and supportive and know they appreciate every bit of it.

Love,
Amanda xo

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