I guess it’s time for an update….

 

I have been hesitant.

 

For many of you who have followed my journey in love, you know it hasn’t been easy. You have seen me declare to the world “This is it!”…A few times now. And each time I am left looking at the pieces of the house that burnt down around me wondering….what the fork happened?

Until I figured out what happened. It never started right. I wasn’t right. They weren’t right. It all wasn’t right.

I had no idea how to do this love thing. I had no idea what the key to it was. That I think we can all agree was obvious.

So I’ve met someone. And I have been scared. In fact I didn’t even share a thing about him or us for a few months into our relationship. In fact he had to ask me. Why don’t you want to post that picture? (This coming from a man who is invisible to find in the online world, which I love actually. But he knows I am not. He knows I share vulnerably and couldn’t help but notice my lack of it.)

 

I was terrified. What if I am made to be a fool again? I know that is not true but I can’t help waiting for the other shoe to drop after all I have been through in love.

But then I met this wonderful man.  This man who holds both of my feet so no shoe drops at all.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So I knew I had to do something new this time around.

When asking my dear friends who have met and married the love of their lives how they knew they always said: “It should be easyyyyyy” “It should feel like a comfy pair of sweat pants”. As I looked at the people I was dating or had in the past it was everything but that. In fact sometimes it felt about as easy as an camel through the eye of a needle, and as comfy as a burlap sack. Now I know what they are talking about. This feels easy. And that….is new. I have never felt that before. We just flow effortlessly.

He was in fact my friend first. A dear dear friend. We got to know each other on a deep friend level first. I have never done that before. That was new. 

He just keeps showing up. In all my messiness, my crazy life as a single mom, in my fear, in my worry, in my goofy, playfulness. He just keeps showing up. He treats me unlike I have ever been treated before. Adoring me and pursuing me. He never leaves me guessing, and he always shows up on time. He doesn’t blink in the eye of my 3 year old’s tired tantrum, or anything else we throw at him. In fact he downright adores my kid and is amazing with her.

There is a feeling of unconditional acceptance and we’ve got each others back. That is also new. I have never felt that before.

I have learned now that love is a journey and takes each day showing up and choosing one another. I know it won’t always be this “easy”. But there is a feeling of we are both in this for the long haul.

I’ve learned my job is to make sure I am taking care of me and showing up in the best way for him. I have learned this means activating my feminine energy and really practicing self love and self care so I am not expecting someone else to meet all my needs. I love the feeling of letting him lead, and how he steps in his masculine, in a strong rock like manner. It allows me to flow and be in the moment with him. This I have learned is the KEY to lasting attraction and love. Polarity must be present. I had some great teachers along the way that taught me how to leave my old masculine ways of doing relationship behind and embrace my feminine. (If you would like to know more about how I did this feel free to reach out…if your relationship or love life is struggling I guarantee this has something to do with it.) For the first time I have a truly masculine man and I am in my feminine effortlessly. This is also new.

“I’ll Keep you wild if you keep me safe. ” This was the tag line he read on my dating profile when we were just friends at dinner one night. He looked at me with a little bit of a twinkle in his eye and said “I like that”. It wouldn’t be till weeks later when he made his move to take us out of the friend zone, but some how I knew in my gut it was a special man I had sitting across from me.

I was addicted to unavailable love because I myself was unavailable. Because here is the thing. True love is insanely vulnerable. There is no hiding, you are fully seen. I was comfortable with men who were unavailable and didn’t choose me because I didn’t really want to be chosen, because then they would see me. All of me. And then I risked real rejection.

I had to really get vulnerable and accepting of myself to become confident enough to have a good man like this fully choose me. Nick and I look at each other with eyes wide open. Not shutting them in fear. This is the first time this has happened for me. No fear. No wavering from him. Fully choosing me, and me wanting him too. This is definitely new.

The night Nick kissed me for the first time under the north star when he moved us from the friend zone to something much much more, he put his hand on my heart and said “wild.” and  put my hand on his and said “safe”.  I will never forget that moment. I will never forget any of this. Because dear friends…this is all new.

xo

Amanda