We were on fire
I slashed your tires
It’s like we burned so bright we burned out
I made you chase me
I wasn’t that friendly
My love, my drug, we’re f-d up,
‘Cause I’ve been on the run so long they can’t find me
You waking up to remember I’m pretty
And when the chemicals leave my body
Yeah, they’re gonna find me in a hotel lobby ’cause
Mmm tough times they keep coming
All night laughing and f-ing
Some days like I’m barely breathing
Then after we were high and the love dope died, it was you
The pill I keep taking
The nightmare I’m waking
There’s nothing, no nothing, nothing but you
My perfect rock bottom
My beautiful trauma
My love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my love, my drug, oh
My love, my love, my drug, we’re f-d up
You punched a hole in
The wall and I framed it
I wish I could feel things like you
That holy feeling
And if we don’t stay lit, we’ll blow out
I’ve been chasing a high my whole life. It’s what I thought love was supposed to feel like. My lovers would appear and we would explode like a firework in the sky. Bright and Beautiful but often only for a moment and then after the high what was left was us waking up in the ashes of the house that burnt down around us. Some of these lovers were men I married in a blink of an eye, and others were men who kept me on a string for months as I chased it like a kitty on catnip.
Have you heard of attachment theory? If not you should read the book Attached by Amir Levine. Basically I happen to be a lovely combo of Anxious and Avoidant. What a treat right? Often I attracted men who were Avoidant who sent me in to an Anxious tailspin as I desperately tried pulling them close to me as they held me away at an arms length. Themselves afraid of intimacy. If I happened upon a Secure man…which only happened once before I did my work, I sure as hell didn’t know what to do with him and I turned into the avoidant one and pushed him away and ran for the familiar comfort of someone unavailable to me. I did this so I didn’t have to really fear losing them. In fact when they threatened to leave me I did it first so I could be in control.
Doesn’t that sound fun? Well it didn’t feel like that at first. The high always feels good. Chemicals rushing and swirling around in the body, that run-away train feeling of “falling in love” as we dove headfirst in to an abyss of our stuff. It was when we started sobering up that the realization of what we had here was two people were were in no way compatible for a real healthy relationship, settled in.
So as I learned about all these things I began to realize I had to change my attachment style myself so I had a healthy nervous system. I began to do deep work to re-wire myself. I began to self sooth and calm that anxious part of me. I began to be ok with being alone. I began to realize how Secure people operate in relationship is quite different.
Anxious people are looking for the high, crazy chemistry and falling in love head over heels with someone who can give them the love they so desperately crave. Avoidant people are looking for “the one” and find fault with everyone else to keep them safe and away from true intimacy. Secure people just build a lasting relationship over time with someone they have passion with but who is a good match and it makes sense compatibility wise. In fact they are ok with or with out a relationship. They have other healthy relationships in their life and can do it alone but like to have partnerships when its a right fit. Different from the Anxious who needs it, and the Avoidant who pushes away from it.
It isn’t supposed to feel like hit of cocaine. It is supposed to feel good. Like go to bed early and do yoga in the morning with green juice good. Sober love.
So now I am sober dating. Yep. No drugs here. I have had to override my default nervous system and sometimes I still glitch. But I am doing it the sober way this time. Slow. Gradual. Building over time. After being alone for a solid few years. Instead of a firework I am looking to build a bonfire. A spark slowly growing into something that feels safe and warm that lasts. Time will tell but so far it feels really good.
Like go to bed early, do yoga in the morning with green juice good.
You are loved,
To read a humorous version of this that is so funny it’s sad click Here