I heard a great quote the other day “Anytime you make something the enemy it is always going to be a source of pain in your life.” Truth Bomb.
I had an exceptionally hard week with my Ex this week. A week that made me realize the difficulty is not going away any time soon and I better make peace with it.
I get a lot of follows from divorce accounts on social media, a lot of them are about recognizing Narcissists, and the negativity about your ex. As I was looking through some of those this week I was forced to unfollow them. Trust me, I get the need for tools to recognize things. It is important when you have been in a situation like that to know you are not crazy and to identify it. Let me tell you something though, there is no benefit to sitting in that and having your subconscious and conscious mind constantly filled with all the negativity about your situation.
I am coming to you here as someone who understands. I have been there. I am there. The truth is your ex is out of your control. Wether they are a narcissist or not. It is important that you safe guard yourself and not let their behavior violate boundaries (I am not excusing abuse or behavior that is dangerous to you or your children, please take appropriate action for that with legal authority.) but the only true thing you have control over is you and your mindset.
This is the tough grit of life I am talking about here. I get it. When they change their mind, or manipulate, or make poor choices that effect your child it is infuriating and a feeling of being powerless. I am here to tell you that you have a choice. You can either let it cause a reaction in you that really doesn’t change anything but make you miserable and reward the behavior with this reaction, or you can choose something else.
As long as your ex is your enemy you will keep suffering in pain. So what do we do? Begin to change your vocabulary about them. I understand you can’t “manifest” your ex’s serious issues away, but you can control how you speak about it, what your vision is for your future and how you handle it.
- Speak what you want.
Take the power away from you ex to dictate and control you. Choose how you react. Be the bigger person. Realize what is at stake here is your happiness. Your words are your wand, use them wisely. This includes how you talk about them to others, and what you speak about your future, and your situation. AKA complaining. There is a safe way to express this, but a low level of complaining constantly is a drain on your life, and CREATING your experience.
- Feel your feelings in a safe container.
I do not think you should stuff your feelings down. I know there is a time for grief. I grieve the pain of my situation often. I feel it, then I let it pass through my system and then stand up and control what I can, which is me.I know the pain of handing your child over and not knowing what is happening. I get that. I do. So feel it fully. Then choose to not react from that place. Let me tell you this can ONLY happen once you do the inner work to show up as a fully healed confident healthy version of your self that can RESPOND this way instead of REACT.
- Think about your ex as on your team.
They are not the enemy. Focus on the good. I know it may be hard to find it but try really really hard to. Again I repeat: “Anytime you make something the enemy it is always going to be a source of pain in your life.” So do you want more pain? Or do you want a different outcome? Speak language such as “we” when speaking to them instead of finger pointing. Focus on the child and giving them meaningful childhood experiences. If you have no children this is an opportunity for you to neutralize your feelings towards them. This can only come from true forgiveness and healing.
- Unfollow any sort of negative social media focusing on bad ex’s, suffering through divorce ect. and get true support.
This is crucial. You need a strong supportive container to move through this time. Your mindset is a key piece of this. I have consciously chosen to protect my mind from things like this. I unfollow all those accounts that focus on the negative and chose to dive in to intense coaching and personal development through both of my divorces. I provide a positive environment for those of you who are ready to stop playing the victim, take your future in your hands and CHANGE it. Healthy relationships start with healthy individuals. Let me help you get there. Only click on this link for a call with me if you are READY to take responsibility, READY to have a different outcome, READY to let go of your ex as the enemy, and READY to make drastic changes in your mindset and practices to have a different life.
If that sounds like you then click on this link to book a free 20 minute call with me: Clarity Call
Please know you are loved,