You sent a text
It’s like the wind changed your mind
We were best friends
Yeah, we were building a life
With every kiss, and every letter
Every promise of forever, oh
But you hit “Send”
And disappeared in front of my eyes
And now you’re just a ghost
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold
Like a stranger vanish like a vapor
There’s just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly
And there’s just a pillow where your head used to sleep
My vision’s 20/20
I see through you now
Ghost- Katy Perry
I have gone on about 30 dates since January of this year. Most of them were done with a broken heart and spirit.
You cannot force yourself to get over someone faster. I happened upon a man at the wrong time last fall. We were classic right person wrong time scenario. Both going through divorce. Both extremely not ready to meet. Yet we were brought together, only to be taken apart. (You may remember him from this post.)
The pain of it forced me to start this blog. To start this journey of helping others. For that I will always be grateful to him. For many months, I’ve thought I have seen him on the corners of streets, or in the shadows of a booth in a bar. We have not crossed paths once.
I have driven past his house and thought to go knock. But I never have. That doesn’t fit me now. A woman who shows up begging for someone to choose her.
It’s not his fault or mine. We just had time against us. I have truly let him go. There are moments a song comes on and I search my heart for a twinge, that familiar pain that pinches at my nose. There is nothing. I read back at the writings I did from then, pouring out my heart and I feel nothing.
It is truly done. He is just a ghost in my past. Vaporized.
This is the first time I have dated in my life. I got married at 22. I never had dates.
Well now I certainly have.
I have had, short dates, bald dates, cocky dates, stood up dates, and waste of my time dates.
Recently I had the long distance date. A man who truly got my attention. It was a breath of fresh air. A man who we connected every day for a month and some change. Lot’s of promises of future visits and lot’s of emotional investment through words. Spoken and written. Suddenly as fast as he came, he is gone. Not a word of explanation. Vanished. I truly will never understand the way people can do this modern-day phenomenon of “Ghosting”. It truly feels horrible and like a cowardly way to operate. He was 39 years old. I told him in the beginning I didn’t have time for boys. He promised me he wasn’t. He was.
I have hung up my dating hat and deleted the profiles for a while at least. I have been on a hunt for love for a long time. Since many years ago when I had my first taste of love lost. I have searched. I have gone deep down in my dark places to shine light on any cracks that needed healing. I have done it all in the pursuit of love and to Just. Stop. The. Pain.
So now I stop. I have done all I can to truly heal all of me. I stop because I know I am enough as is. I stop because there is nothing left to do. I stop because I need to not search for a while. Honestly I can say I am not doing this and secretly hoping “oh now I will meet him because I am “not looking” No really. I have pure complacency and detachment. If someone great happens to come my way during this time, then I will welcome it with open arms. But I am tired of wanting something that I don’t have.
Instead I will focus on why my life is awesome as a single person and just as it is. I will focus on GIVING love to everyone I meet instead of looking for it. I will focus on helping my dear clients who are lost in the pain and confusion of Divorce.
Here is my plan. Every day I write out why my life is AWESOME right now. I also do one thing a day that will make me happy. I will learn to fall in love with my own life. No man needed…..
To all the Ghosts out there I say “BOO….” you don’t scare me anymore.
You are loved,