He told me he loved me last night. Can’t be with me, but he loves me.
How does this even work? How can someone love someone and not want to try?
Not want to give it a chance?
Fear can do that. Fear of what could be. Fear of the future. Fear of pain. Fear of failure. After you have been through divorce it is really hard not to do this. To not let the fear of the past dictate the future. Both of us had been through it. Through the ringer. We met at an inconvenient time.
Fear is the greatest obstacle to love, and although I have done all I can to remove fear from my own life to move towards love unfortunately I can’t love the fear out of someone else.
It is very easy to say “I love you”. What is hard is choosing someone every day and showing up. It is a huge responsibility to say “I love you and I choose you.”
Someone recently said it like this to me:
“Its different for a man to say “I love you AND I want to be your man. I want to spend every minute of my life making you happy. And if I fail at making you happy, I’ll try again. And again. And again. Until the day I die.”
Some men will gladly take this responsibility and some men won’t.
Mr. Unavailable. He may even really feel these things. In this case I know he does. But he can never do anything about them. Because loving someone and actually being able to do the work to show up for someone every day are completely different. Divorce can cause you to feel intense failure and question your ability to be able to do it all again.
I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes you need more than love. You need bravery, commitment, and timing on your side.
It’s over now. I know it. We both said what we needed to. And it’s over.
And now I recover. And Believe there has to be a greater love out there for me. There just has to….
No matter what I have been through in love: I. Will. Not. Give. Up. I won’t let myself close off to love. It is my birthright and I have worked very hard to get to where I am. So now I grieve. I brush myself off. I stand up and I let him go and don’t look back.
A lovely wise woman said it like this to me:
“ You need a man who will love you actively and who will be at your side everyday, no matter what. You need a man who will laugh with you when you’re happy and comfort you when you’re crying. A man who will help you raise your lovely daughter and who will be happy to come home to you every night. You need a man who wants to be in your life always, not a man who can only love you from afar.”
This is true. Until then I keep loving myself and believe. It takes more strength to walk away sometimes than to stay and accept the crumbs that satisfy for the moment. But I deserve and want more than crumbs. I deserve the whole damn cake.