I went to church by myself tonight. Christmas eve. Years ago or even months ago I would of felt intense pain to be so alone. In fact I remember the first Christmas after my first marriage had fallen apart. I had to leave in the middle of the service to go cry in the bathroom.
I cried out WHY to God. I was so mad and confused why something I prayed so hard for was over.
Tonight was different.
Yes I am alone this Christmas. I have Audrey my daughter and we are having a great time. But I am alone. Not even any family around me. My friends and family keep checking in on me to make sure I am ok. And I am. For the first time in my life I am really ok.
I have done so much work to find the source of love from within myself. I have learned I am never alone. God is always there. I am always there.
God showed up today for me.
He was in the nice man at Trader Joes who gave me a card filled with bookmarks his granddaughter drew to say Merry christmas.
He was in my best friend from Boston who called to make sure I was ok.
He was in the Christmas card in the mail from my dad that said I am “Loved, Beautiful and Important”
He was in the old co-worker from the Y who welcomed me to sit beside her family at church when I walked in alone.
He was in the girl who stopped to make sure Audrey and I could get into my car when I was looking for my keys.
He was in my own hand I held tight tonight and told myself I will never leave you or not choose you again.
Sometimes even when we are in relationships we feel alone. I have learned no man will fill that void for me. I realized so much of that ache in me when I was alone was a deep wound of not knowing my worth or the source of love. I have been looking for this love my whole life.
God has healed so much and now I know that I have all the love I could ever need right inside of me.
The part of the service that stood out to me the most was the lyrics to a christmas carol O Holy Night. “His Law is Love and His Gospel is peace”
I am living in the land of the Law of Love. I am so full of it. I know now, and guess what? Others are reflecting it back to me.
You are not truly alone this Christmas. You have yourself. You have God. He will never leave you or forsake you, and you will never leave or forsake yourself either.
Tell yourself that tonight. Remind her, you have her back.
Sometimes you have to hold your own hand and say it is all going to be ok.