I have found myself on my kitchen floor on more than one occasion. Crying. I remember a moment distinctly back in 2011 when my marriage was hitting the fan and crumbling apart. It hit me. All the ways I had sabotaged this relationship, all the things I had done to not love my husband, all of my mistakes came tumbling at me like a pile of rocks in an avalanche.
It was too late. I couldn’t take them back. I couldn’t stop it. The damage had been done. Yes my ex was an alcoholic and had his fair share of damaging behaviors he brought to the marriage. But let me tell you this. Like attracts like. Period.
So often we blame the other party for their inability to love us, for their habits, their addictions, and their lack of love, but we ourselves are harboring the same demons. They are just a mirror being held up showing us all the things we may not be ready to see in ourselves. It is much easier to blame the other person than truly take a look at why we were were attracted to this in the first place.
I have learned that what we think about love, what we are wired for shows up for us. Both my ex-husband and I had major issues in our families and childhoods growing up. We both struggled with addictions, his may of seemed worse than mine only because his behavior was destructive to others as well. Mine was mostly destructive to myself. I used food to numb my pain. I had no idea how to give or receive love, and I was a complete co-depended that needed to feel in control and “parenting” my lover to feel like it was normal.
None of this is normal.
What we hide deep inside shows up for us in relationship. As I began to reflect on each man that had shown up in my life I began to see a pattern. They were deeply unavailable. I thought it was just them but the more I stripped away the layers I saw I myself was unavailable.
In fact I was sabotaging my own relationships because love itself was a foreign concept to me. Being with a man who was unavailable was actually more comfortable. It felt like love to me. What ever love we have experienced growing up is what we are wired for. Until we heal those wounds we will continue to be attracted to men that embody and fuel those wounds.
Often as women we are responding to the men in our lives from the wounds of our past. It sets that man up never to win and then guess what. He stops. He stops pursuing, stops being in love, and stops seeking to protect us.
This is something we need to heal ourselves from within if we ever want to either attract a healthy man, or have that love reflected back to us in the relationships we are in.
I can help you. It is time to stop blaming the men in our lives and actually do something about it to change it. If you want to take steps to heal these wounds deep with-in contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org for your first steps to Love Transformation from within.
you are loved,