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Love Metamorphosis

A woman's transformation

Metamorphosis

nounplural metamorphoses:

1. a profound change in form from one stage to the next

2.a complete change of form, habits, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic

3.any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances

Transformation.

I have been on this journey for about 5 years now. Nothing like heartbreak and pain to push you to the point of change.

Divorce.

Such a terrible word.

It is what led me to this path of transformation to begin with. This is my second. My second divorce at age 33. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I think a big D is tattooed on my face. Other times I think it is just my journey and my calling.

I am fascinated with the monarch butterfly. It’s transformation is miraculous. It’s journey is long. It flies over 2,000 miles to a new home.

Migration.
I did my own migration 4 years ago from the East Coast across to the west. California was calling my name. I packed it all up and followed the butterflies here. Sometimes I think it was a huge mistake. Other times I know I would’t be who I am, or have my sweet daughter I have now if I didn’t.

I have decided to write this blog to share with women going through divorce, or women just needing a metamorphosis in love, the tools, and the moments of transformation that have happened in my own life.

This is my calling. I didn’t know where to start so I am just starting here. I trust God. I trust that I am meant to do this….and I will do it. Be vulnerable, share my pain, share my story, in hopes that if it helps just one person it is for a purpose. Being vulnerable is the only way I know to be.

So here it goes…………
Featured post

When you are alone on Canada Day/ 4th of July

It’s holiday time again. Every holiday that creeps up when you’re going through divorce or heartbreak can be a slap in the face reminder of your situation. Even if some time has passed from your divorce it can still hurt.

For me it is extra hard because I have no family here in Santa Barbara. My family is home in Canda, and it’s just Audrey my two year old. Like usual we will find something to do this weekend, but sometimes it stings to look around at the families BBQing on the beach, or couples holding hands on the boardwalk.

Holidays are a chance for you to check in where you are at in your process. The truth is we all know even in a relationship those times can be incredibly lonely. In fact I would rather be alone than be in the types of relationships that I used to be in with unavailable men.

The holidays were painful, and I often had high expectations that were never met. Expectations coupled with being with a man who was either getting drunk to numb himself, on his phone ignoring me, or so fearful of love and unavailable that I was miserable trying to convince him the entire time. (All different men!)

Some times it is better to be alone. I shake my head in disbelief at what I used to put up with. What I used to think wasn’t settling. I want so much more now. I desire a fully present man. I now know I am worthy of it.

I know this weekend can be painful for you depending on where you are at in the process. Even when you have done tons of work to shift your mindset and worked through your stuff, holidays can trigger the strongest of souls.

Hang tight my friend. This too shall pass. I believe pain can be a propeller to growth if we let it. Joy is always magnified when you have pain to compare it with. Some day I will look back on this time and it will make me so incredibly grateful for what I now have. I truly believe my love story is not over yet.

In the meantime here are some tips to get you through the holidays if you are alone

1. Make plans – do your best to find some friends or something fun to do so you are not alone. Sometimes I straight up tell my friends I need to not be alone this weekend. I ask when I can tag along with their family. Usually they are more than happy to have us and allow us to be a part of their weekend. Most people really don’t know the pain of being alone through divorce unless they have been through it. You have to ask for help and more often than not they want to help you.

2. Look for the blessing- there are always things to be grateful for even if you are alone. Try to make a gratitude list each day over the holiday weekend to help you stay in the right perspective.

3. Make your own fun– If you have shared custody and you only have your children for part of the holiday make that part really fun. Your kids don’t care about what you do as much as they want to be with you and have fun doing it. They can feel your energy and the happier you are they will follow suit. Find ways to increase your joy with your kids. Have a water gun fight, go camping, or have a fire pit in the back yard.

4. Find a way to serve- Service really gets you out of your own head and into your heart. You realize life doesn’t revolve around your pain and there are others who desperately need what you have to give. I know the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are easier to find ways to give but this holiday you can make your own way. Look for it I bet you can find it

Here is my final tip for this holiday weekend! Join my Divorcing with Dignity Summit. This weekend is the final replay period of all 21 of the amazing interviews. If you are alone and have time on your hands it is a great way to learn some great truths on what steps you need to take to move through this time of your life effectively and come out the other side.  Click Here and join the other 600+ people who are watching this amazing Summit.

As always I am here if you need support reach out!

 

You are loved dear one, and so am I

xo
Amanda

 

 

Know Your Worth

 

Worth can’t come from anywhere but from within. If it is determined on something outside of yourself it is doomed to fail.

So often in my life my worth was determined on what I looked like, what my man or a man thought about me, who my friends were, if someone was mad at me or not, or a myriad of other things that could shift at any given moment.

I was on shaky ground. If my worth was determined on all those outside factors it all depended on how the day went or if someone gave me a compliment or not.

Self worth has to be based on something that doesn’t change. It is based who I am. My character. My essance.

Do you know who you are? What are the things that make you you?

In my 3rd step to transformation through divorce and heartbreak I tackle this step with my clients. We do this in multiple ways but one of them is finding out your personality type and having a profile made of your specific gifts and talents. I once had an ex tell me he hated everything about me including my personality. Ouch. That one hurt. I was left feeling like I just couldn’t do anything right.

If you have read any of my work you know I don’t sit around blaming ex’s for what happened in the breakdown of a relationship. Instead I utilize step 1 and “CHOOSE” to look at how I created this and what to do to shift it.

I didn’t like me. I didn’t see my worth. How could I expect my lover to think any different? I have learned to embrace all of me including the parts I don’t like so much, or have been criticized for.

I invite you to do the same. Let me help you!

Have you signed up for my email list yet? I would love to have you sign up here. This way you don’t miss out on any juice details.   Join me on Friday at 1pm PST for my Fearless Friday Facebook Live  here where I will talk about the fourth step in the process Strengthen Within! You can also find all the previous Fearless Friday Live videos there.

Remember YOU ARE ENOUGH!

xo

Amanda

Time heals all wounds?

Time heals all wounds.

False.

In fact a lot of time can pass, maybe even years, and the wound still remains.

You must do the work to heal it. I am talking about two kinds of wounds here beauty.

1. The wound from the divorce or breakup

2. The wounds from your past be it with family, friends, or past relationships

Only when you give care, attention and work to healing these two kinds of wounds will you actually have the chance of having success in love. With yourself and others.

In fact so many women get infatuated with a new man post divorce. Of course he feels like a drink of fresh water in a desert. Anyone would after coming out of a broken marriage. He might even really be a great guy or your true life partner. BUT I can guarantee if you don’t do the work your love wounds will rear their ugly head. Either through sabotage generated from yourself, or through realizing the new man is actually the same as the last in a different body.

I think the scariest thing of all is time passing and nothing actually changing. There is nothing more empowering to a woman in the middle of a divorce or breakup to take ownership. You can blame him all you want but YOU are the common denominator.

Make the choice. Step one of my 6 steps to transformation through divorce. If you haven’t joined my email list yet where you receive more offers to do this work  I would love to have you sign up here.  Join me on Friday at 1pm PST for my Fearless Friday Facebook Live  here where I will talk about the second step.

It all starts with you,

xo

Amanda

 

When you are alone on Valentines Day

 

Ah the day filled with so much pressure. If you are single or divorced you feel sad you have no one to share it with. If you are coupled you feel sad that your significant other didn’t read your mind.

I’ve spent many a Valentines Day disappointed. Mostly because I put so much pressure on my partner with unrealistic expectations they could never live up to. Most of this stemmed from my source of love not being in the right place.

We put so much pressure on love. When we don’t have it we want it, when we have it we find all the fault with it. I’ve spend more lonely Valentines in relationship than out.

Truth is someone else can never be your source of love. Yes a partner can be a delicious delightful thing. When we are with out we tend to look around and see what others have that we are missing  and feel it is out of our reach.

Truth is all the love we need is right there inside of us. We can generate the feeling at any time. God is the source of love and God is right inside of us. We love because he first loved us. This may sound wishy washy but it’s true. Only when we are feeling that love from with in and our security stems from something unshakable does true love ever have a chance to thrive or even come in the first place. We can easily squash it with our expectations and fears if the source of it is in another person.

Truth is when a man feels that our happiness is dependent on what he does and he can’t fix it he feels like a failure. He usually stops trying then, and we complain more about what he isn’t doing.

So today if you are coupled or uncoupled I invite you to find your source of love from within. Let your man off the hook, or let your future man off the hook. Maybe then you can enjoy today and look for all the love that is already evident in your life. Then he can actually show up and enjoy you, or you can draw it to yourself faster.

I’m sending out an exercise today to my subscribers to find that feeling of love right within themselves and start to generate it from the inside out. I would love for you to get it too Here.

You are loved,

XO

Love Amanda

It’s not them, it’s you.

 

It is so easy to blame the other person if you are not getting what you want in relationship. When breaking up or divorcing with someone it can be all about the other person.

“He never romanced me, He never listened to me, He never complimented me, She never accepted me…….” and on and on it goes.

What if I told you what your past lover or current partner is showing you is just a reflection of the love you have for yourself?

So often we go looking for something from a partner that we think we can get from them to fulfill us.

This is often futile and ends up putting so much pressure on them to make us happy when we are not happy with in ourselves.

No one outside of you will satisfy you. You have to fall in love with yourself first.

Here is a simple exercise to show you where you are at with this in your own life.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down all the ways you want to be treated in relationship. In a current one or a future one.

Did ya do it?

Good.

Now, go back and circle anything that you are not currently giving yourself. For example if you want to be complimented by your partner, do you compliment yourself? Honestly, think about it. How do you talk to you?

So now you have some insight on the ways you need to get in to alignment in order to have this reflected back to you.

An easy example of this would be to start complimenting yourself when you wake up and when you go to bed. Just name two things you like about yourself and maybe two things you did well that day. Go ahead say it out loud and maybe even give yourself a little squeeze as you do it.

The answers are within you love. The key to having it is to be it. Take the pressure off your past partner. Look to yourself instead of pointing a finger at why your relationships haven’t been working in the past. You hold the key to your own happiness.

If you need support on the next steps feel free to reach me at: lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com

You are loved,

Amanda

xo

Bounce Back.

Palm Trees are pretty awesome. Did you know they can bounce back? It is easy to look at the palm trees and think how frail they are. Especially the ones here in California they are so tall and skinny. But I have noticed in some of the “weather” we have been having here in Santa Barbara even when the wind is so strong they don’t break.

In fact in a hurricane they can be bent down almost to the ground for as much as 5 hours and the tree can bounce back, not only to it’s original shape but with a STRONGER root system.

Are you in a life storm right now? Lord knows I am. I have never been someone who quits. I have bounced back many of times. This is no different. You have to go through storms some times to strengthen your root system and develop tenacity for life.  Peoples storms can look very different, from divorce, death, financial hardship,  to health problems, what ever it is …….you can bounce back.

The majority of it is is our mindset and a ferocious commitment to not give up. Feel it, stand up, shake it off and move on.

Sometimes these storms happen to push us exactly towards where we are meant to go. Don’t give up.  Don’t make excuses. Don’t blame.

Take the lesson, plant your roots, and bounce back.

If you need support navigating a life storm right now I am here to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me at lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com . When you are in the middle of it it helps to have someone who understands. Divorce, heartbreak and life setbacks can be devastating. Let’s start to shift your mindset so you can bounce back stronger than before.

You are loved,

xo

Amanda

Joy in the Dark.

 

Those days when you are in the pain it’s hard to find the joy. Your eyes flutter open and you hope it was all a bad dream. But nope, there is is. The pain. It stings as it moves up from the center of your body towards your head. It stops and is heavy on your chest, pinches at your nose, and finally bubbles hot from your eyes.

I am not here to say you should stuff it away. No, in fact I believe you should feel it fully.

Heartbreak is some of the deepest pain I have ever known. You feel lost and wonder if you should even bother getting dressed. The loss of love is almost excruciating. This loss can come in the form of  a lost love, a miscarriage, divorce, death and much more.

Having experienced a fair number of these dark days in my life I have found a recipe for moving through it as quickly and effectively as possible with success.

1. Feel your feelings fully.

Sometimes we tend to try to stuff it away because the fear of the pain is actually worse than the pain itself. Stop. Ask your soul/body what it really feels. Close your eyes and feel it. All of it. Let it come out of your body anyway it wants too. Moaning, crying, sighing, screaming, let it out.

Do this periodically though the day or at times you feel you may be numbing yourself. Seek to really feel it instead of covering it up with: food, sex, alcohol, people, work, shopping, drugs, over exercising, or any other vice you may be tempted to numb with.

2. Letter writing/burning

It helps to write it out physically with a pen. Write a letter to that ex, that friend, that unborn baby, that parent, that lossed loved one. Write out everything you want to say and more. Write why you love them, hate them, miss them, are angry, sad, lonely, or afraid.  Then burn it. There is something satisfying about watching it burn up and letting it go.  Do this as many times as it takes to feel some release.

3. Swamping

This is a technique described by the author affectionally known as “Mama Gina”

Get a playlist of songs that bring up the emotion for you. Wear black, put ash on your face, and just do it. Be alone and let it out. Throw yourself on the floor and cry, Scream at the top of your lungs, smash a pillow against a wall, or just sob. But physically express it in your body. We can learn a lot from toddlers here. They haven’t been imposed on what is socially acceptable when it comes to their feelings. They just freakin feel. They throw themselves in a heap on the floor over a banana that is cut in half wrong. They feel it then they get up and are on their merry way. (ok maybe not quite that simple.)

But I can tell you this 20 minutes later they are not still carrying that sh*t around with them.

4. Dance

There is something so good about getting out of your head. I like to hoola hoop dance, or just turn on a song and dance crazy in my living room. This is even better an amplified if done with a friend or a child. You will find your self smiling ear to ear.

5. Look for whats good.

Write out gratitudes and what is good in your life. Your mind can only have one thought at a time and after you have felt your feelings fully it is good to put a good thought in that brain. I love the app the 5 minute journal and it has helped me focus on gratitude,at the beginning and end of my day regularly.

6. Do something for someone else.

It helps so much to serve and care for others to get our minds off our own problems: buy a homeless person a coffee, or heck  buy the person in line behind you a coffee. Volunteer, visit a sick and shut in, listen to an elderly person talk for a while, bring a friend who needs it flowers. Just do something for someone other than you.

7. Enlist support

Not everyone wants to hear about your problems every day but enlist a few people up for the job and probably a 3rd party such as a therapist or coach that you can talk to if you need help. I have a team of people who are in my life right now I can reach out to for support. So important so I can show up fully with my friends, co-workers, and daughter and not bog them down with my stuff. I am a verbal processor and I have learned through my divorces I can loose friends if I don’t have this support system in place, because I put too much on them. It’s taken me a while but I finally have the support system I need.

Most of all just know this won’t last forever. Sometimes I forget that as a person who is very in the moment. This too shall pass, and the harder you work to actually move through it the faster you will. I am right with you in this love. In fact I’m in the middle of my own dark day and fighting for the joy. But you can believe I am doing all the above and will move through it fully, very very soon.

Love always,

Amanda xo

More than Love.

He told me he loved me last night. Can’t be with me, but he loves me.

How does this even work? How can someone love someone and not want to try?

Not want to give it a chance?

Fear can do that. Fear of what could be. Fear of the future. Fear of pain. Fear of failure. After you have been through divorce it is really hard not to do this. To not let the fear of the past dictate the future. Both of us had been through it. Through the ringer. We met at an inconvenient time.

Fear is the greatest obstacle to love, and although I have done all I can to remove fear from my own life to move towards love unfortunately I can’t love the fear out of someone else.

It is very easy to say “I love you”. What is hard is choosing someone every day and showing up. It is a huge responsibility to say “I love you and I choose you.”

Someone recently said it like this to me:

“Its different for a man to say “I love you AND I want to be your man. I want to spend every minute of my life making you happy. And if I fail at making you happy, I’ll try again. And again. And again. Until the day I die.”

Some men will gladly take this responsibility and some men won’t.

Mr. Unavailable. He may even really feel these things. In this case I know he does. But he can never do anything about them. Because loving someone and actually being able to do the work to show up for someone every day are completely different. Divorce can cause you to feel intense failure and question your ability to be able to do it all again.

I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Sometimes love just isn’t enough. Sometimes you need more than love. You need bravery, commitment, and timing on your side.

It’s over now. I know it. We both said what we needed to. And it’s over.

And now I recover. And Believe there has to be a greater love out there for me. There just has to….

No matter what I have been through in love: I. Will. Not. Give. Up. I won’t let myself close off to love. It is my birthright and I have worked very hard to get to where I am. So now I grieve. I brush myself off. I stand up and I let him go and don’t look back.

A lovely wise woman said it like this to me:

“ You need a man who will love you actively and who will be at your side everyday, no matter what. You need a man who will laugh with you when you’re happy and comfort you when you’re crying. A man who will help you raise your lovely daughter and who will be happy to come home to you every night. You need a man who wants to be in your life always, not a man who can only love you from afar.”

This is true. Until then I keep loving myself and believe. It takes more strength to walk away sometimes than to stay and accept the crumbs that satisfy for the moment. But I deserve and want more than crumbs. I deserve the whole damn cake.

Stop Chasing

I have often chased after hard love. You know the kind that is a struggle.

There is often a strong pull. You feel as if you have known each other forever. Its on, then it’s off. One or both pull away only to return quickly. It’s a whirlwind. What feels like love is actually unhealthy attachment.

There is convincing, there chasing, there is running….there is heartbreak.

This is what has felt normal to me in my old attachment style. I have in the past been attracted to men I had to prove myself to. I believe this stems from my feelings of having to prove myself in my family growing up. My perspective was skewed. I have spent a lot of time doing work with both my parents to ask them questions to understand  them and the love they have for me. It has taken a lot of courage and bravery and consistency on my part and theirs to participate with me but we did it.

I feel my relationship with my parents is better now then ever before in my life. It is so rewarding to see my healing effect not only me but my entire family. All because I chose not to give up. I chose to let my pain push me to growth.

I am done with men I have to chase. The men it feels hard with and there is some pain element to it. This has been my comfort zone in the past and the basis for all my choosing of partners. I chose from my wounded-ness. I was recently reminded of what this feels like. It feels awful.

I am not wounded any more. I think the chances I have of actually attracting a man who is healthy and whole himself are very much more probable because of this work I have done. It will feel safe,he will fully be ready to give to me, and I will be ready for the first time to receive it. I won’t have to fix him, or heal his pain or wounds. Not saying there won’t be things, there are always things. But I am no longer looking to a man to heal the wounded parts of me, or a man I have to help or heal too. That is called Co-dependcene and I lived there for the last 32 years.

If you are divorced or have been through pain in your love life and haven’t started to do any inner work yet, now is the time. Running to another person to pacify your pain simply won’t work. You will only find yourself repeating your patterns and it will be same person different body. It is up to YOU to change your inner world which will then be reflected in your outer world.

No more chasing, no more convincing. You are enough sweet woman. You are worthy and wonderful. The love you crave lives with-in and that can never be taken away from you.

Contact me today for some guidance. lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com

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