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Love Metamorphosis

A woman's transformation

Metamorphosis

nounplural metamorphoses:

1. a profound change in form from one stage to the next

2.a complete change of form, habits, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic

3.any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances

Transformation.

I have been on this journey for about 5 years now. Nothing like heartbreak and pain to push you to the point of change.

Divorce.

Such a terrible word.

It is what led me to this path of transformation to begin with. This is my second. My second divorce at age 33. Sometimes I can hardly believe it. Sometimes I think a big D is tattooed on my face. Other times I think it is just my journey and my calling.

I am fascinated with the monarch butterfly. It’s transformation is miraculous. It’s journey is long. It flies over 2,000 miles to a new home.

Migration.
I did my own migration 4 years ago from the East Coast across to the west. California was calling my name. I packed it all up and followed the butterflies here. Sometimes I think it was a huge mistake. Other times I know I would’t be who I am, or have my sweet daughter I have now if I didn’t.

I have decided to write this blog to share with women going through divorce, or women just needing a metamorphosis in love, the tools, and the moments of transformation that have happened in my own life.

This is my calling. I didn’t know where to start so I am just starting here. I trust God. I trust that I am meant to do this….and I will do it. Be vulnerable, share my pain, share my story, in hopes that if it helps just one person it is for a purpose. Being vulnerable is the only way I know to be.

So here it goes…………
Featured post

Monsters under the Bed

There are many moments going through divorce and heartbreak where the loneliness can engulf you.

Those of us navigating the deep dark waters of these trials are no stranger to this loneliness. In fact many of us experienced this when our ex partner was lying right beside us. We may have not declared to the world yet we were getting a divorce, or even decided ourselves, but deep down the complacency and deep loneliness was eating away at what was left of the relationship.

Truth is a person is not the cure. In fact many of us have looked for ways to numb this deep seeded lonliness through many different cure experiments. Sex, drugs, and alcohol are always the big ones, but it’s often the little cure experiments that can be just as harmful: food, exercise, work, social media, porn, even new friendships. All of these can be used as things we try to solve our deep seeded loneliness.

The thing I have found is whenever we have a deep seeded fear of something the only way out is to actually face it head on. It’s kinda like the monster under the bed. We can lie there and let the fear consume us. We can call people into the room to help calm us and tell us there is no monster, we can look up things online to help calm our nerves about the lack of evidence monsters exist. We can eat comforting foods to distract us and even buy all sorts of things online to help our monster fears. But the fear itself is only dissolved when we gather up the courage to look under the bed with our very own eyes and face our fear DEAD ON. When we do so we realize there is nothing there to fear. It all dissipates, and we can finally go to sleep.

By facing your fears you free yourself. So facing your fear of loneliness, facing your fear of failure facing your fear of anything is the key.

I help my clients do this through a basic technique of fear clearing. We cover all sorts of areas from body and health fears, to fears of failure and being alone. If you are interested in a clearing session I would love to chat with you about that. Shoot an email to me at lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com.

In the meantime, don’t try to avoid it. Feel it. FEEL all of it. Allow yourself to go there. What if you are alone and lonely for the rest of your life? What if you always struggle with money or your health?  What if things are always contentious between you and your ex? Allow yourself to feel it fully till it starts to soften. Slowly it will. You will realize there is no power there. In THAT lies your freedom.

 

You are loved,

xo

Amanda

 

 

 

 

 

Wired for Wrong Love

I had a dream last night about a guy who was interested in me in college. He was very much a gentleman and walked me to my dorm often. He was tall, handsome and distinguished. A true catch.

 

But I was not interested. I think his level of maturity scared me. It was a conservative Bible college and I was rough around the edges. I was confused why he even liked me. I didn’t feel worthy of his attention. He made his feelings known and I rejected him.

 

What I wouldn’t give to have that guy asking me out now. I looked him up. Of course he is happily married with a beautiful family. As he should be. Healthy people can do that.

 

Instead I picked the guy who had a major history of dependency on drugs, alcohol, and jail time.  Yep. I was wired for it. Now this person didn’t show up this way when we were dating. Oh no. He said and did all the right things and I felt I was with the most wonderful guy on campus.

 

Fast forward to when we got married and real life hit and everything changed. Even though I deeply wanted real love and a great Christian marriage my internal imprint was wired to be attracted to guys who treated me less than valuable. I also wasn’t innocent in the whole thing.

 

This same imprint wired me to operate in the masculine to protect myself and often be-little my men, and sabotage relationships. I had no clue what I was doing.

 

Why do some have healthy relationships and some do not? Why are some people just wired to be attracted unhealthy people? Because it feels normal. If we have been imprinted with this kind of love we are destined to go for it. Every. Single. Time.

 

It takes more than two people who are attracted to each other, have the best intentions and even the same belief system to have a healthy flourishing relationship and marriage. It just takes more.

 

Unless we switch something, we are destined for more of the same. We have to go in and literally re-wire our sub conscious mind. This is what I help my clients do. This is what I have spent the last 7 years doing. I didn’t have a path laid out for me and had to find my own way. That’s not what I want for you. I want to streamline it for you. It is a process but when you have the steps laid out for you it can be effective and powerful.

 

Last Friday on my #fearlessfriday video I talked about the three stages of Love,  what they look like and how they can lead to divorce. My passion is not just to help those who are wading through the confusion of divorce, but maybe even prevent them from having to in the first place.

 

You can do the work. It starts with you. So what will it be? More of the same or do you want to change your wiring for love?

 

Book a call Here 

You are loved,

xo

Amanda

The truth about being a single mom….

It’s hard and it’s easy. It’s lonely, and it’s busy. It’s normal and it’s not. It’s constricting and it’s freeing. It’s all the above. It’s really a hybrid of two worlds.

There are two kinds of single mom’s out there the kind that have the father involved and the kind that do not. I am the first. I say kudos to the second. Although I have no family here or support in California so I guess God always gives us what we can handle right?

Maybe. Sometimes it feels like more.

Here are a few things you can bet about single moms:

Hard workers– We have to be. No one else is going to provide it for us. We get that shiz done.

Money Conscious – If we weren’t into budgeting before we certainly will be now.

Lonely yet want time alone- this is a constant contrast. Sometimes we want people around us and miss a companion and a man. Other times we just want. a. break. and NO one to bother us.

Don’t have time to waste dating losers- Single moms have minimal time to date. I only date when my daughter is with her father. I don’t mix dating and my kid. I also don’t want to pay a babysitter to go on a freakin’ date.

Are not looking for a baby daddy-  My child has a father and he loves her very much. I am not expecting a man to jump in and step parent. In fact you can bet you won’t even meet her for a LONG LONG time…..if ever *wink

Need to let loose sometimes- Ya we have responsibilities, but we still want to have a night out to sing karaoke, or dance. We are still us. We just can’t do what we want…..hardly ever.

We sometimes we feel guilty- We know its not ideal this one parent thing. But really we did the best we could. We wish we could give our kids a sibling, or a “normal” family. But this is what it is. We also feel guilty that we like our alone time when the child is with the other parent. It’s not a bad thing to have some us time. But the moment we hand them over you can bet we miss them……we always miss them.

We like that we get to call the shots with our kids – a plus if the father isn’t involved is we get to make all the decisions about our child. And if he is at least we can choose  what we do when they are on our time.

We love our kids…. – Yes it is a tough situation but we wouldn’t change it for the world. These children are straight up blessings.

 

Being a single mom can be really hard. It’s hard to do everything your self and not to fear sometimes that you won’t be able to juggle it all. We really do want a great man. We still crave romance, want to be swept off our feet and thought of as lovely. We still want to fall in love again some day. We are not jaded or angry, we are just realists and have to be in this chaotic world.

Being a single mom can also ROCK. Unlike some mom’s who are knee deep in the kid thing and hardly remember who they are, we get a lot of time to ourselves (if we share custody) where we can just be us again! Sleep in, drink wine, laugh, work our passions and fall in love with ourselves again.

There is a bit of a hybrid feeling. We are not fully single and able to travel the world and go do what we want. We are also not fully in family mode and having 2nd and 3rd kids. We are in the middle. One foot in mom land, one foot in single land. But we don’t really fit in either place. That can be lonely. To feel misunderstood.

Lucky for me my roommate is a singe mama too. We have each others backs and we totally get this weird wacky world we live in. For that I am grateful.

 

So that’s the truth……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ghost.

Ghost.

You sent a text
It’s like the wind changed your mind
We were best friends
Yeah, we were building a life

With every kiss, and every letter
Every promise of forever, oh
But you hit “Send”
And disappeared in front of my eyes

And now you’re just a ghost
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold
Like a stranger vanish like a vapor
There’s just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly
And there’s just a pillow where your head used to sleep
My vision’s 20/20
I see through you now

Ghost- Katy Perry

 

 

 

 

I have gone on about 30 dates since January of this year. Most of them were done with a broken heart and spirit.

You cannot force yourself to get over someone faster. I happened upon a man at the wrong time last fall. We were classic right person wrong time scenario. Both going through divorce. Both extremely not ready to meet. Yet we were brought together, only to be taken apart. (You may remember him from this post.)

The pain of it forced me to start this blog. To start this journey of helping others. For that I will always be grateful to him. For many months, I’ve thought I have seen him on the corners of streets, or in the shadows of a booth in a bar. We have not crossed paths once.

I have driven past his house and thought to go knock. But I never have. That doesn’t fit me now. A woman who shows up begging for someone to choose her.

It’s not his fault or mine. We just had time against us. I have truly let him go. There are moments a song comes on and I search my heart for a twinge, that familiar pain that pinches at my nose. There is nothing.  I read back at the writings I did from then, pouring out my heart and I feel nothing.

 

It is truly done. He is just a ghost in my past. Vaporized.

 

This is the first time I have dated in my life. I got married at 22. I never had dates.

Well now I certainly have.

 

I have had, short dates, bald dates, cocky dates, stood up dates, and waste of my time dates.

 

Recently I had the long distance date. A man who truly got my attention. It was a breath of fresh air.  A man who we connected every day for a month and some change. Lot’s of promises of future visits and lot’s of emotional investment through words. Spoken and written. Suddenly as fast as he came, he is gone. Not a word of explanation. Vanished.  I truly will never understand the way people can do this modern-day phenomenon of “Ghosting”. It truly feels horrible and like a cowardly way to operate. He was 39 years old. I told him  in the beginning I didn’t have time for boys. He promised me he wasn’t. He was.

 

I have hung up my dating hat and deleted the profiles. I have been on a hunt for love for a long time. Since many years ago when I had my first taste of love lost. I have searched. I have gone deep down in my dark places to shine light on any cracks that needed healing. I have done it all in the pursuit of love and to Just. Stop. The. Pain.

 

So now I stop.  I have done all I can to truly heal all of me.  I stop because I know I am enough as is. I stop because there is nothing left to do. I stop because I need to not search for a while. Honestly I can say I am not doing this and secretly hoping “oh now I will meet him because I am “not looking” No really. I have pure complacency and detachment. If someone great happens to come my way during this time, then I will welcome it with open arms. But I am tired of wanting something that I don’t have.

Instead I will focus on why my life is awesome as a single person and just as it is. I will focus on GIVING love to everyone I meet instead of looking for it. I will focus on helping my dear clients who are lost in the pain and confusion of Divorce.

Here is my plan. Every day I write out why my life is AWESOME right now. I also do one thing a day that will make me happy. I will learn to fall in love with my own life. No man needed…..

 

To all the Ghosts out there I say “BOO….” you don’t scare me anymore.

 

 

You are loved,

xo

Amanda Leigh

 

 

 

 

 

When you are alone on Canada Day/ 4th of July

It’s holiday time again. Every holiday that creeps up when you’re going through divorce or heartbreak can be a slap in the face reminder of your situation. Even if some time has passed from your divorce it can still hurt.

For me it is extra hard because I have no family here in Santa Barbara. My family is home in Canda, and it’s just Audrey my two year old. Like usual we will find something to do this weekend, but sometimes it stings to look around at the families BBQing on the beach, or couples holding hands on the boardwalk.

Holidays are a chance for you to check in where you are at in your process. The truth is we all know even in a relationship those times can be incredibly lonely. In fact I would rather be alone than be in the types of relationships that I used to be in with unavailable men.

The holidays were painful, and I often had high expectations that were never met. Expectations coupled with being with a man who was either getting drunk to numb himself, on his phone ignoring me, or so fearful of love and unavailable that I was miserable trying to convince him the entire time. (All different men!)

Some times it is better to be alone. I shake my head in disbelief at what I used to put up with. What I used to think wasn’t settling. I want so much more now. I desire a fully present man. I now know I am worthy of it.

I know this weekend can be painful for you depending on where you are at in the process. Even when you have done tons of work to shift your mindset and worked through your stuff, holidays can trigger the strongest of souls.

Hang tight my friend. This too shall pass. I believe pain can be a propeller to growth if we let it. Joy is always magnified when you have pain to compare it with. Some day I will look back on this time and it will make me so incredibly grateful for what I now have. I truly believe my love story is not over yet.

In the meantime here are some tips to get you through the holidays if you are alone

1. Make plans – do your best to find some friends or something fun to do so you are not alone. Sometimes I straight up tell my friends I need to not be alone this weekend. I ask when I can tag along with their family. Usually they are more than happy to have us and allow us to be a part of their weekend. Most people really don’t know the pain of being alone through divorce unless they have been through it. You have to ask for help and more often than not they want to help you.

2. Look for the blessing- there are always things to be grateful for even if you are alone. Try to make a gratitude list each day over the holiday weekend to help you stay in the right perspective.

3. Make your own fun– If you have shared custody and you only have your children for part of the holiday make that part really fun. Your kids don’t care about what you do as much as they want to be with you and have fun doing it. They can feel your energy and the happier you are they will follow suit. Find ways to increase your joy with your kids. Have a water gun fight, go camping, or have a fire pit in the back yard.

4. Find a way to serve- Service really gets you out of your own head and into your heart. You realize life doesn’t revolve around your pain and there are others who desperately need what you have to give. I know the holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas are easier to find ways to give but this holiday you can make your own way. Look for it I bet you can find it

Here is my final tip for this holiday weekend! Join my Divorcing with Dignity Summit. This weekend is the final replay period of all 21 of the amazing interviews. If you are alone and have time on your hands it is a great way to learn some great truths on what steps you need to take to move through this time of your life effectively and come out the other side.  Click Here and join the other 600+ people who are watching this amazing Summit.

As always I am here if you need support reach out!

 

You are loved dear one, and so am I

xo
Amanda

 

 

Know Your Worth

 

Worth can’t come from anywhere but from within. If it is determined on something outside of yourself it is doomed to fail.

So often in my life my worth was determined on what I looked like, what my man or a man thought about me, who my friends were, if someone was mad at me or not, or a myriad of other things that could shift at any given moment.

I was on shaky ground. If my worth was determined on all those outside factors it all depended on how the day went or if someone gave me a compliment or not.

Self worth has to be based on something that doesn’t change. It is based who I am. My character. My essance.

Do you know who you are? What are the things that make you you?

In my 3rd step to transformation through divorce and heartbreak I tackle this step with my clients. We do this in multiple ways but one of them is finding out your personality type and having a profile made of your specific gifts and talents. I once had an ex tell me he hated everything about me including my personality. Ouch. That one hurt. I was left feeling like I just couldn’t do anything right.

If you have read any of my work you know I don’t sit around blaming ex’s for what happened in the breakdown of a relationship. Instead I utilize step 1 and “CHOOSE” to look at how I created this and what to do to shift it.

I didn’t like me. I didn’t see my worth. How could I expect my lover to think any different? I have learned to embrace all of me including the parts I don’t like so much, or have been criticized for.

I invite you to do the same. Let me help you!

Have you signed up for my email list yet? I would love to have you sign up here. This way you don’t miss out on any juice details.   Join me on Friday at 1pm PST for my Fearless Friday Facebook Live  here where I will talk about the fourth step in the process Strengthen Within! You can also find all the previous Fearless Friday Live videos there.

Remember YOU ARE ENOUGH!

xo

Amanda

Time heals all wounds?

Time heals all wounds.

False.

In fact a lot of time can pass, maybe even years, and the wound still remains.

You must do the work to heal it. I am talking about two kinds of wounds here beauty.

1. The wound from the divorce or breakup

2. The wounds from your past be it with family, friends, or past relationships

Only when you give care, attention and work to healing these two kinds of wounds will you actually have the chance of having success in love. With yourself and others.

In fact so many women get infatuated with a new man post divorce. Of course he feels like a drink of fresh water in a desert. Anyone would after coming out of a broken marriage. He might even really be a great guy or your true life partner. BUT I can guarantee if you don’t do the work your love wounds will rear their ugly head. Either through sabotage generated from yourself, or through realizing the new man is actually the same as the last in a different body.

I think the scariest thing of all is time passing and nothing actually changing. There is nothing more empowering to a woman in the middle of a divorce or breakup to take ownership. You can blame him all you want but YOU are the common denominator.

Make the choice. Step one of my 6 steps to transformation through divorce. If you haven’t joined my email list yet where you receive more offers to do this work  I would love to have you sign up here.  Join me on Friday at 1pm PST for my Fearless Friday Facebook Live  here where I will talk about the second step.

It all starts with you,

xo

Amanda

 

When you are alone on Valentines Day

 

Ah the day filled with so much pressure. If you are single or divorced you feel sad you have no one to share it with. If you are coupled you feel sad that your significant other didn’t read your mind.

I’ve spent many a Valentines Day disappointed. Mostly because I put so much pressure on my partner with unrealistic expectations they could never live up to. Most of this stemmed from my source of love not being in the right place.

We put so much pressure on love. When we don’t have it we want it, when we have it we find all the fault with it. I’ve spend more lonely Valentines in relationship than out.

Truth is someone else can never be your source of love. Yes a partner can be a delicious delightful thing. When we are with out we tend to look around and see what others have that we are missing  and feel it is out of our reach.

Truth is all the love we need is right there inside of us. We can generate the feeling at any time. God is the source of love and God is right inside of us. We love because he first loved us. This may sound wishy washy but it’s true. Only when we are feeling that love from with in and our security stems from something unshakable does true love ever have a chance to thrive or even come in the first place. We can easily squash it with our expectations and fears if the source of it is in another person.

Truth is when a man feels that our happiness is dependent on what he does and he can’t fix it he feels like a failure. He usually stops trying then, and we complain more about what he isn’t doing.

So today if you are coupled or uncoupled I invite you to find your source of love from within. Let your man off the hook, or let your future man off the hook. Maybe then you can enjoy today and look for all the love that is already evident in your life. Then he can actually show up and enjoy you, or you can draw it to yourself faster.

I’m sending out an exercise today to my subscribers to find that feeling of love right within themselves and start to generate it from the inside out. I would love for you to get it too Here.

You are loved,

XO

Love Amanda

It’s not them, it’s you.

 

It is so easy to blame the other person if you are not getting what you want in relationship. When breaking up or divorcing with someone it can be all about the other person.

“He never romanced me, He never listened to me, He never complimented me, She never accepted me…….” and on and on it goes.

What if I told you what your past lover or current partner is showing you is just a reflection of the love you have for yourself?

So often we go looking for something from a partner that we think we can get from them to fulfill us.

This is often futile and ends up putting so much pressure on them to make us happy when we are not happy with in ourselves.

No one outside of you will satisfy you. You have to fall in love with yourself first.

Here is a simple exercise to show you where you are at with this in your own life.

Take out a sheet of paper and write down all the ways you want to be treated in relationship. In a current one or a future one.

Did ya do it?

Good.

Now, go back and circle anything that you are not currently giving yourself. For example if you want to be complimented by your partner, do you compliment yourself? Honestly, think about it. How do you talk to you?

So now you have some insight on the ways you need to get in to alignment in order to have this reflected back to you.

An easy example of this would be to start complimenting yourself when you wake up and when you go to bed. Just name two things you like about yourself and maybe two things you did well that day. Go ahead say it out loud and maybe even give yourself a little squeeze as you do it.

The answers are within you love. The key to having it is to be it. Take the pressure off your past partner. Look to yourself instead of pointing a finger at why your relationships haven’t been working in the past. You hold the key to your own happiness.

If you need support on the next steps feel free to reach me at: lovemetamorphosis.com@gmail.com

You are loved,

Amanda

xo

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